Thursday, August 30, 2007
Once again the feeling of giving up and losing confident of myself overcome me. I really hate this feeling. I could say that this is my very vulnerable period. I can cry without a reason anytime. I will get very sensitive about what people said to me. I may not be affected during other time but if someone disturb me during this period,I can get very emotionally.
To make it worst,I can be laughing and smiling one moment but at the very next moment I can be angry or feel so sad to the extend I will cry. What is that sia?
I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Now I don't have any confident in myself. I feel that I'm very useless and no one needs me at all. I feel my present in this world is redundant. Even if I'm not around,I guess no one will get effected by it. So why am I here? Can I just slowly disappear?But I know if I were to do that,my Swytaz will be pissed off. I don't wanna do shit to them anymore. I've been a bad friend to them before and I don't want to to that again. I don't want to hurt them anymore. Still the feeling of being useless and having that very very very low confident in myself is just too strong ah. I'm losing myself. I cant help it but cried. Yah,I did. N this is my second time crying without a reason. What come over me also I don't understand. I just feel sad and tears started to flow. I don't know I'm crying for what ah. I just cant find the reason. I feel the same everlasting pain. The pain of losing my precious ones. My thoughts run wild each time I think about my loved ones leaving me. This will usually happens when I keep having enjoyable moments. There is a saying " Happy moments are always short-lived". I'm scared of losing the happy moments I'm having now.
Seriously,I'm afraid of losing Dora,Darling,Dearie,Rahmat and Ezat. They have been my joy and happiness. There are the one who bring the smile & joy in my life. I'm happy with them. But usually our happiness doesn't last long. There will always be a hurdle. A moment where problems will occur and I know I would lose them if I don't do anything about it.
It is such a fucking situation. I hate going through it. But it will always come. Now I just feel like keeping quiet. Don't want to do anything. Don't want to say anything. I want a quiet moment. I hope I get over this feeling soon ah. I'm celebrating my nephew birthday in few days time. I cant be going there feeling like this. It's gonna sucks!! Guess I'll just have to find my own remedy for my own feeling.
Before I end this,I'm just going to apologize to all who are going to get affected or has been affected by my stupid drastic mood swing. Sometime I just have no control over it. I'm sorry if my words or actions hurt you. So sorry. I'll be back soon. Don't worry. Just give me a day or two. I know what to do k. Sorry once again.
1:25 AMY
