I am taught and trained to survive. I was brought up and bred in a manner alienated to many. Untamed. Insecure. Nobody can read me like an open book. I am impossible to understand and decipher. Tactical strategist and analyst. You will only see me how I want you to see me as. So if you think you know me I say think again. You might just be fooled. I'm tough on the exterior but sentimental deep inside.
Most of you recognised me as the elusive one. The rough and tough sister watching over my friends. Stable and secure were the words you used to describe me and I was barely emotional or sensitive. Well I guess I had proven you guys wrong. You witnessed with your own eyes how weak I can be. I am afterall human with a heart and soul. I am not so hardcore as you perceived. Please do not be alarmed.
I may talked trash most of the time and showed no feelings or sentiments but that was only because I was trying to hide my true self from the world. It is a cruel place out there where only the strong survive. Deep down inside I am fragile and vulnerable. I constructed this hidden wall surrounding me to protect myself from getting hurt. I am sorry if my previous entries spoke too much grief and pain. I took some of you by shock but sadness and sorrow are now inevitable in my life. Evidently by far only Love can break me apart piece by piece.
I felt like crying but I cannot. I held back my tears because crying was for the weak. I am trained to be fierce and ruthless. There were piles of mistake records with my name stamped on our Swytaz Diary. I am uncontrollable by far. My rage and temper were inapprehensible. It was nasty. I had to be talked and counsel numerous times by my Swytaz. But still,I remain unchanged.
It is like in the great stories. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you do not want to know the end because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end it is only a passing thing this shadow.
Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you that meant something. Even when you were too small to understand why. I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they do not. They kept going because they were holding on to something. Something that is worth fighting for.
Like for now,the something I'm fighting for is my happiness with my Swytaz. This is something really worth fighting for till my death!!!
Just remember,I'm a person who can forget easily. But forgive? I'm not that forgiving. It sucks but that is just the way I am. My attitude sucks. My character sucks. If you are able to forgive me,I'm grateful. But if you can't,then it's okie. I won't ask for your forgiveness cause I believe it should come from your heart and not from my mouth. I'm not shooting at anybody regrading this entry. I just hope with this entry you people would understand better regarding how I'm living my life everyday. Sometimes it sucks,but I just have to live with it since my death moment has not arrived. Peace!!! =)
Regards...
Siti Masrurah Bte Mohd Omar....
